Gusalina Answers Your Questions Because You Won’t F’ing Shut Up

Enough time has passed that you douchers have started to nag me about posting a new blog. I mean, seriously, so many of you want to be Gusalina or be with Gusalina so bad that you send him email after email at Gusalina4@hotmail.com begging me to F’ing write a new blog. Sorry douchers, I know you want to know what’s happening in my life, but shit has gone down in a way that I’m not ready to F’ing discuss in the short term. I will get to it my next blog, though.

Since you Gusalina groupies seriously might hang yourselves if I don’t give you something, I decided to answer some of the questions you douchers have been asking me since I’ve started this blog. If you don’t like it, I really don’t F’ing care, because I’m going first round and you’re not.

-Gusalina can I be your agent???

No you stupid doucher. I probably get this question the most out of all the ones people send in. I really can’t blame them – they see 92 with movement and realize I might be their ticket to some F’ing cash. First round cash for Gusalina means some first round cash for his agent too, so yeah, I think a lot of people are going to want to be my agent.

Unfortunately for you douchers, you aren’t my sweet older brother Wayne, who, after the 2011 MLB Draft will be my sweet agent Wayne.

Wayne, if you don’t know by now, is not only the biggest badass that doesn’t currently throw 92 with movement, he’s also the smartest. Wayne got an A in Econ when he was in high school (he made We Want Wayne shirts for one of his projects, only the W’s in it were the same W’s from the Mountain Dew logo. This was before Baja came out you F’ing douchers. And as if you even needed to ask, Wayne sold a shitload of the shirts, because he was the biggest badass in the school. If you’re lucky, I’ll talk Wayne into bringing the shirts out of retirement).

Anyways, not only did Wayne get an A in his Econ class, but when he went to Daytona Beach his senior year Spring Break he fingerblasted a Hooters waitress who was an extra on Arli$$, so yeah, I think he knows a little bit about being an agent.

They talk about agents having clients that are unsignable coming out, and I guess that Wayne might earn that rep, but he’s really just going to try and get Gusalina fair market value. If the teams want to draft a Hall of Famer, they’re going to have to draft a Hall of Famer, you know? I think it’s completely F’ing fair that some old ass Jew is going to have to pony up 9 figures over 5 years. It may seem like a lot, but if you try and put a price tag on Gusalina wearing their team’s logo on his Cooperstown plaque, it’s more like me and Wayne gave the doucher an F’ing discount.

Wayne is going to get me a bunch of sweet ass deals with different companies after I get drafted too. Some doucher tried to tell me that Majestic doesn’t sponsor individual players, but how many times have they seen 92 with movement with the first round talent that Gusalina has? Exactly F’ing zero, so yeah, I think Wayne is going to get me signed. Look out for the Majestic Fleecalina line of pullovers coming out in a couple years. They’ll be Fleece pullovers with custom pockets for my dip and my Camaro keys. Also, it should go without saying that Gusalina will become the new face of Baja Blast. I’m going to have to have a talk with the Head Mexicans at Taco Bell though, because Gusalina really wants an XL cup that he can hold with a SuFi grip, so everyone knows how much of an F’ing badass he is. Speaking of Baja…

Gus, hooking up with some MySpace skanks this weekend, and was wondering what the exact recipe for WayneBlasters is? Gonna need some WayneBlasters, cuz it's a lot harder to fingerblast chicks while giving the west side symbol when you don't throw 92 with movement. Thanks. -David Yanchik 

It’s not just David Yanchik who sent in this F’ing question, either. Seriously, I get flooded with so many douchers who want to know how to make their Wayne Blaster as perfectly as Gusalina makes his. For anyone who forgets, Wayne Blasters = F’ing Baja + F’ing Smirnoff + F’ing Gatorade. Listen up douchers, I’m only going to explain this one time – if you’re going to be drinking Wayne Blasters, this is how you should make them.

First, you are going to go to Taco Bell, and you’re going to eat inside. Eating inside isn’t really important to the creation of the Wayne Blaster, but you’d have to be an idiot to pass up the opportunity to make the lives of everybody working there a little bit worse. Gusalina likes to make them earn their paycheck when he goes. I’ll order like 2 Cheesy Gordita Crunches and an XL drink (YOU NEED XL FOR THE WAYNE BLASTER DOUCHER) and while I’m waiting I’ll grab a big pile of napkins and wet them all with iced tea so they are all wasted. At the Taco Bell I go to, they have learned to get me my food as quickly as possible, because I try to stomp on as many mild sauce packets as I can to make them explode before they bring me my food. My record is 19, but Wayne said he has gone over 35 one time when he ordered a Grande meal and ate it all by himself.

So you have your food and you have your Baja. Eat your F’ing food and drink your F’ing Baja. It’s like I’m talking to a retard here. When you’re done with your food, flip your tray upside down, spilling any food or sauce remaining onto the table, chairs, and floor. If those Mexicans didn’t want to clean up after a first rounder, they shouldn’t have tried so bad to come to my country.

Whatever Baja you have left is what you are going to be using for the Wayne Blaster. If you’re feeling really x-treme, you can put in a few more splashes of Baja before you go, because you never know how thirsty you might get before you go to the party. I drive a Camaro, so yeah, I don’t have much time to drink any Baja before I get there, but you might have some shitty Toyota so it might be different.

When you get to the party, find whoever has the Smirnoff and immediately F’ing steal it. That Smirnoff is now exclusively for Wayne Blasters and girls who want to show their boobs. Pour 3 shots into the Baja cup and the look for the Gatorade. NOT! If you only put in 3 shots you are the biggest F’ing pussy on the planet. Take it from a first rounder – 6 shots or just don’t even drink it – go big or go home. One time Wayne put in 8 shots into one Wayne Blaster. He wasn’t even F’ing buzzed though, because he can drink more than anyone on the planet probably.

Now you only have one step left – the Gatorade. Since Gatorade is the fuel of the first round, you have to measure your drink accordingly. The simplest way Gusalina has found to add Gatorade is to add one ounce for every hour you plan on partying. So, if you’re going to be at this party for 6 hours, you’d better add 6 ounces of F’ing Gatorade. You need to stay hydrated if you’re going to be grinding on poon all night, and as x-treme as Baja is, it’s not cutting it. Also, not that you douchers probably have to worry about it, but I also add an ounce of Gatorade for every time I plan on letting some skank fuel from the Gusaline Pump, just because I’m a first rounder both on and off the field you know?

Anyways, I made some nerdy girl with some alright boobs I know from MySpace put this into a math formula so that some of you douchers might understand it. I didn’t bother to check it to see if it was right, because I cheat in math and I really don’t F’ing care if you douchers know how to make a good Wayne Blaster or not. But here it is:

(XL Baja Blast – Baja drank with meal + extra splashes) + (6 shots Smirnoff you pussy) + (1 oz Gatorade x total hours partying) = The perfect Wayne Blaster

Also, I’m sure some of you cheap douchers are going to try and use something other than Smirnoff or lemon-lime Gatorade. That just shows how F’ing poor you are if you ask Gusalina, and let me be perfectly clear to you douchers – if you aren’t using Baja, Smirnoff, and lemon-lime Gatorade, you aren’t drinking an F’ing Wayne Blaster. Any substitution of an ingredient and you are now drinking what we like to call Pritchard Punch, named after that white trash doucher Kyle Pritchard, because the only vodka his family can afford comes in a plastic bottle, so yeah, he can’t make Wayne Blasters.

Gusalina, have you seen these doucher impostors Gairy and Hooch? I saw them post in Club Trillion’s comments and it’s pretty clear they want to be you.

Yes, I F’ing saw them. I’m not going to give you a link to their blog because the millions of people who read Gusalina’s blog would give them readers they don’t deserve. But yes, I saw those complete copycat douchers and read what they wrote. It’s not F’ing funny at all, and they try and take everything from Gusalina’s blogs and pass it off for their own! If I didn’t plagiarize every English paper I’ve turned in since the 7th grade I would be super F’ing pissed about it. I’ll leave it at this though – Gairy and Hooch, you are about as x-treme as a doucher can possibly get. Your writing F’ing sucks, and you should really stop trying to steal Gusalina’s style of writing because it is F’ing pathetic. You would be well served to give Gusalina a written apology, or you will be looking at two fistballs, courtesy of Gusalina and the Waynemaker.

Gusalina, what team do you want to draft you first round? Who is your favorite team?

Rest assured, me and Wayne have a list of teams I’m not going to play for, and the scouts are aware of this. While I can’t tell you every team, there are a few off the top of my head that I’ll clue you in on.

-Any team that has more than one Asian. While it would be great to have another DDR partner, I would seriously lose my F’ing mind if I had to spend time surrounded by all these sushi eating douchers. Have you been watching the World Baseball Classic? These douchers seriously have the stupidest looking sideburns in the entire F’ing world. And if there’s one thing Gusalina knows, it’s awesome sideburns.
-The F’ing Cubs. Gusalina may throw 92 with movement, but that team finds a way to F’ing suck every single year, so yeah, Gusalina won’t be playing for them. He actually wants to play for a winner.
-The Cleveland Indians and the Cincinnati Reds. Living in Ohio, they’d expect Gusalina to be their F’ing hometown savior. If there’s one thing I’m not looking for, it’s a new nickname. They would be calling me Gus “Jesus With a Curveball” Trotter, and I want to be Gusalina 4 Lyfe, so yeah, not going to play for them. Besides, I don’t want any of these douchers from Ohio to feel happy about a team winning the World Series. I want to rip their F’ing hearts out on the mound.
-The Kansas City Royals. I would rather kill myself than spend my life in Kansas City. It’s probably the gayest city in the entire United States. Kansas City is where second round douchers play, not first round sure things.
-Minnesota Twins. F That.
-The Toronto Blue Jays. I’m never going to go play for a team in F’ing Canada, that’s for sure. The only time I’ll ever go to Canada is to go to Montreal, because Wayne says that they have F’ing sweet strip clubs. But play in Canada half the year for the Blue Gays? Gusalina is going to pass.
-Most of the AL. Gusalina isn’t limited to just throwing 92 with movement, he can also bomb at the plate. If I’m in the AL, I won’t be able to bat when I pitch, which is an F’ing travesty because I’d be good for 20 dingers if I could.

If there was one team I would like to play for, it would be the San Diego Padres. I say this for a few reasons. One, I would get to wear an F’ing camo jersey a couple times a year. Talk about awesome. Two, I could drive down to Tijuana and bang out skanks all the time. Third and most importantly, P.O.D. is from San Diego. How much more x-treme could you get? You can’t. Can you imagine P.O.D. playing “Boom” live in the ballpark every time Gusalina strikes out some doucher and gives him the SuFi? I can, and it would be F’ing awesome.

Gusalina don’t you hate the new F’ing Facebook?!?!??!!?!??!?! PS What’s your MySpace address?

I HATE THE NEW F’ING FACEBOOK!!!!!! It seriously sucks so bad. I only ended up getting a Facebook because I couldn’t find that doucher Mark Titus on my MySpace and I needed to tell him that I was going to beat his ass if he didn’t send me my F’ing cards, and immediately they changed their site to make it super shitty. I bet it was probably an attempt by Facebook to keep Gusalina from dongslapping a whole new group of skanks who would no doubt want to be splashed with Gusaline fuel when they saw how many F’ing sweet pages I became a fan of when I got my Facebook. Sorry Facebook douchers, you can make Facebook look as gay as you want, Gusalina is going to get his. If you want to be my Facebook friend, click on this F’ing link.

As for MySpace, yeah F’ing right. There are so many hating douchers on here that your comments would cover up all the ones I have from these skanks who want to touch the Gusaline Pump, so yeah, there is no way I’m going to tell you what my MySpace address is. Find it for yourself douchers. If you’re some sexxxi girl reading this, and you want to be my MySpace friend, send me an email at Gusalina4@hotmail.com and include at least two pictures for me to decide if you’re hot enough.

I was directed to your "blog" (if such a pathetic manifestation of such a thing even deserves such a title) by a friend of mine.
Frankly, I'm appalled for a number of reasons.
First of all, you obviously think pretty highly of yourself to give yourself a ridiculously obnoxious nickname. "Gusalina?" Really? You sound like Cinderella's lost mouse. (Though I'm sure said creature was given far more in brain capacity than you could ever hope to achieve.)I would recommend that you take a step down off of your horribly constructed soap box and give the phrase "shut the fuck up" a nice, valiant effort.

Try shoving Pritchard's dick (whoever the fuck that is) in your mouth. I'm sure that would soothe both of your over-stroked egos. )Not to mention the fact that it would most likely be the first bit of action you've seen in... well, I'm sure that's embarrassing for you to talk about... try not to come too quickly. I don't think Pritchard could handle that kind of disappointment.) I'm sure everyone in your vicinity will appreciate the absence of your obnoxiousness.

Second of all, with grammar and sentence structure as terrible as your own--along with a poorly processed stream of consciousness (which is obviously reflective of how life must really be for you... Jesus, your poor mother...) I'm frankly surprised that your ass even got accepted to any sort of post-secondary education. I legitimately pity the professors that are required to grade anything you manage to pull out of your ass and slap on paper... their pain must be nearly unbearable.

Thirdly, please, for the love of GOD stop referring to yourself in the third person. You might think that your baseball abilities qualify you as some sort of God (which clearly isn't true, considering "major league scouts" wish only to contact you via e-mail... you do know that's a sign for "you fucking suck too terribly for me to waste time making a phone call," right?), it does not. Your half-assed athletic abilities stimulate nothing more than your over-abused libido--and quite frankly, you being a pretentious asshole is nothing more than an insult to every individual with even a morsel of intelligence at whatever establishment was blind enough to send you an acceptance letter.

Do the human race a favor and never attempt to "blog" again. It's nothing more than a painful reminder of how the American education system seems to have disappointed us all yet again...

You’re an F’ing docher x-treme!!! You wish you could be Gusalina so bad that you’ll write an entire English paper in the hopes that Gusalina will try to be your friend. Sorry doucher, I throw 92 with movement, you type boring ass comments on Blogger that makes everyone want to hang themselves when they see. I’m going first round, and you’re going to write 4 F’ing paragraphs trying to make yourself look smart when you’re really as dumb as Mr. and Mrs. Pritchard for not just leaving Kyle in the State Fair portapotty when she gave birth to him all those years ago. So yeah, doucher, you’re even F’ing dumber than that poor, white trash, friendless, shitbaby Kyle Pritchard. Congratulations, before you wrote that comment Gusalina thought that was F’ing impossible.

I’m thinking that I’m going to institute a new feature in my blog. It’s going to be called “The Dumbest Doucher in the F’ing World.” I will name one every new blog, and it will come from an e-mail or a comment that I got from some doucher who is incredibly jealous of Gusalina and proves it by writing stupid shit in order to get Gusalina to be friends with them. F off douchers, it will never happen.

DUDE! I need to show all my friends how funny Dane Cook is. Can you help me pick out a clip for me to show them?

Are you F’ing serious? How are you supposed to pick just one Dane Cook clip? You should just sit those douchers down, make them listen to all of his albums back to back, and then watch yourself become the coolest F’ing dude in your group of friends. If any of them don’t like Dane Cook, tell them that they are seriously the F’ing least x-treme person you’ve ever met, and then give them the SuFi for being an idiot.

If I was forced to pick just one clip (which is F’ing tough!!) I would probably pick the Burger King one, but it doesn’t show how F’ing awesome he is onstage, so you should show them “Public Restrooms.” They’ll see how F’ing x-treme Dane Cook is.

I seriously listen to Dane Cook every F’ing day in class. I bust out laughing so F’ing loud all the time. My classmates get all pissed off because they’re trying to take a test or something, but I don’t really care, because I’m going first round.

What is the coolest thing you’ve ever done to that white trash doucher Kyle Pritchard?

I will be addressing this within my next few blogs you F’ing doucher, just be patient.

I want you and the Waynemaster to fight me. You sit here and run your mouth about how you can pitch 92 mph well guess what i won a state title in baseball my senior year. I batted 404 with 12 homeruns and 67 RBI's. You need to back your shit up before you start running your fat fucking mouth. You dont have a camaro you probably couldnt throw a baseball if you had roger clemens arm you fat fuck. Oh ya and you need to treat you mom with some respect you fucking punk. Your nothing but a piece of shit and don't deserve to live if your going to treat you rmom and girls like that. If i ever see you on the street your ass is mine because you have no respect. Your never getting to the bg leagues because that involves talent something you dont have. So keep dreaming while I am living the dream playing for the Cubs triple A system and unlike you i will make it to the big leagues. I wouldnt care if you were serious about making it to the big leagues but your not your just making a joke of it. Some of us are actually trying to pursue dreams. So keep your mouth shut about the big leagues bitch!

Just kidding – that was that F’ing doucher Billy Hillyard!!!

 
Pictured: Gay

I’ll be back next week with a new blog. Also, Gusalina t-shirts should be available soon. I’ve been working with Wayne’s roommate, who is a tattoo artist, in making them, so yeah, they’re going to be F’ing sweet. I’ll put the link up to them when I get them done.

Inside the park home runs are for douchers,

Gusalina #4