Santa Claus Couldn't Hit My Hammer

I need to start this blog by saying two things. First, thanks to all the honeys out there that added me on Myspace. Unfortunately, I only have 16 top spots on my friend list. If you want to be in my top 16, step your game up. I know you all have camera phones and bathroom mirrors, send Gusalina some pictures. Second, to the guys emailing me wanting to know how to get Gusalina fresh big league style, just give up the dream. I mean, you've read my blog, so you have to know that I'm the F'ing man and that you can't roll like me. You can't capture Gusalina's essence, but I guess you could try to equip yourself like Gusalina does.

I found some time out my day that I wasn't stuffing stockings (if you know what I mean) to write this blog about what I'm asking for for Christmas. Not all of this stuff is going to come from my parents. I have some equipment deals since everyone wants to try and catch a ride on my D train before I make it to the big league. They send me all sorts of stuff so I'll endorse their hamburger or something. News flash, I'm not going to do that, unless your hamburger is made out of Cell Tech.

So here we go. If you want to be like Gusalina, these are the things you're going to have to hope Santa Clause brings you.

• Does Cell Tech make HGH? If not they should. I'm totally getting some for Christmas. I'm going to use it now, but not when I make it to the big leagues. I'm not a cheater. I'm just trying to get up to 185 before the season starts. Then I'll be roped.
• I want a custom license plate cover that says "I drive a Camaro, so yeah, I'm a badass"
  
• A mother F'ing Rawlings Primo Glove. Not a regular cheap one, an F'ing custom one with flames on it. But in the flames are cursive letters that spell Gusalina #4. F'ing badass. They'll be calling me the next Eric Van Leemer. That's a Summer Catch reference you dillweeds. Mark my words, I will play in the Cape league and F Jessica Biel in the Press Box.
  
• An Ed Hardy shopping spree. I don't trust my mom to buy me any clothes because she dresses like a lesbian, so I just want her to give me like $1000 so I can get some F'ing sweet clothes.
  
• I'm getting 6 Phiten necklaces. Yeah F'ing 6. Straight from Japan. I'm talking like delivered on my doorstep from someone who still hates me because of World War II. Have you ever seen someone wearing 6 Phiten necklaces at once? Of course you fagn't. Then again, you haven't seen someone blast one 378feet to the opposite field and then come back five minutes later to strike out the side but that's what Gusalina does.
• I was reading Mark Titus's blog, and his friend was talking about his little sister wanting to do Mark. If she thinks that queer is cool she would probably try to drug Gusalina and marry him. Add me on Myspace sometime Ashley Keller and use that camera phone girl.
  
• I'm making the school buy me a Derek Jeter Hurricane batting machine. He's a big bitch but that machine is the F'ing bomb. Speaking of bombs, I'm going to hit about 3 a game this year, even when they try to intentionally walk me.
• I want Alex Rodriguez to add me on Myspace. Everybody tells I'm the next A-Rod only better looking and more of a beast on the diamond, so if I were him I would add me on Myspace to tell me good luck. Don't be a prick dude. Gusalina just does what comes natural to him.
  
• I'm also making the school buy a new F'ing radar gun. I swear to god that one we have is broken. Every time I pitch it has me coming in at like 83 but I know I'm sitting at least 92. WITH MOVEMENT. I can tell because we used it to clock my Camaro once and it had me at 95 when I was going at least 120. My Camaro can F'ing fly
• Cinemax. Come on mom, don't be a bitch about it. If you say we can't afford it, get a F'ing job so I can be happy on Christmas. You're my mom, you have to do it. When I get Skinemax (Name I made up for it, cuz of the porn! LMAO), I can watch all kinds of porno. I like it when it's a guy and a girl and not just two girls. I'm not gay or anything, the guys just have some sweet hairstyles and sideburns that I might want to copy.
  
• Not one, but two Air Exo bats. Gusalina doesn't swing anything that doesn't round up to 4 bills. I've got to keep the price of my bats within 50 points of my batting average.But why two? I need one for the game, and one for me to hold when people are taking my picture for magazines. What about practice? I use wood, duh.
  
• I want every stand up that Dane Cook has ever made. I'm going to start giving the SuFi to every batter that I strike out, so I want to have it perfect
  
• M-Frames (At least one pair), eye black (Not the F'ing strips), and wrist tape. Badass doesn't happen by accident.
• Taco Bell needs to send me like 100 2-liters of Baja F'ing Blast. I swear I would go through all of that in like 6 months, tops. I inhale Baja Blast so quick they might as well call it Gusalina's F'ing Oxygen.
  
• A wrist roller. I need something to do between classes to keep the chicks F'ing moist, and this way I'll be coming closer to having forearms as big as Josh Hamilton.
  
• A F'ing tattoo. Something Chinese because I'm spiritual and mysterious.

So there you have it. That's what I'm going to get for Christmas, and if you don't like it you can drink some Diesel Fuel from my Gusaline Pump. Be back in a few days to tell you how much better my Christmas was than yours, mostly because you're poor and I'm going pro.

Gusalina For Free

What’s up you little bitches? If you’re reading this, you already know who I am. My name is Gus “Gusalina” Trotter, and your probably saw a picture of me in the Ottoville Sports Extra. That was me strokin’ the long ball. I’m known to do two things in life – be the hardest hitting RF/LHP in Putnam County, OH and fly American flags. If you’re still wondering if I’ll sign an autograph for you, you are f’ing crazy. I know you’ll just turn around and sell it on eBay so you can afford Christmas presents for your whole poor family. That’s not the way Gusalina rolls. Since you want to be me right down to having your Spanish teach call you Senor Gus, here ARE the ways that I roll. Always imitated, never duplicated. You’ll never have my big league status.

My typical morning involves me rolling out of bed and bitching at my mom for not having my morning protein shake ready. She doesn’t have a job, so it shouldn’t be a big F’ing deal for to have my Cell Tech sitting on the kitchen counter when I come downstairs. Jesus Christ. She thinks that you get to be 170 pounds of muscle by accident or something.

After breakfast I head to school. I’m 16, so you know what that means. I drive a ’94 Camaro, and it’s the bitchinest ride in the whole school. I show up 20 minutes early every day so I can do donuts in the parking lot. The chicks f’ing love it.

My first period blows. I’m like totally naked without my iPod, so I have that shit with me at all times. I never take the headphones out of my ears. Ever. Seriously, the only thing stopping me from calling my science teacher a fat lesbo is 3 Doors Down. Instead of paying attention I like to put the hood up on my hooded sweatshirt and flirt with this girl in my class. She’s a year older, and I heard she F’ed this guy from Sugar Creek that she barely even knew. Before you know it this skank’s gonna be beggin for some Gusalina. If the teacher ever asks me what the answer is, I tell her my batting average.

At lunch time I sit at the coolest table. I have the most Myspace friends out of anyone in my grade, so a lot of people want to sit with me. The other guys at my table love it when I quote Dane Cook. He’s F’ing hilarious. The other day these douchenozzles tried to sit with us at the table and I gave them the SuperFinger (SuFi!) and told them that I was going to shit on their coats. I’m a badass.

Just before school gets out I have study hall. Yeah, right, like Gusalina needs to study. I totally watch Vin Diesel movies on my portable DVD player and don’t get in trouble for it. My older brother was on the same sectional runner up football team as my study hall teacher, so I can do whatever the F I want. That’s Ottoville Big Green pride, what you know about that?

My school day ends the same every day – pumping iron, getting cut up. I eat a protein bar because even though I’m made of Gusalina I still need fuel. After that I just take off my jeans and I’m ready to go. I wear my basketball shorts underneath my jeans. If you don’t, you must be some kind of a fag. The strength coach at this school is an F’ing idiot. He tries to get me to do squats. I told him I’d start doing squats when I swung the bat with my feet, and I gave him the SuFi. My workout is pretty simple – bench, incline, curls, triceps, wrist curls. I usually do sets of 5 or 7 in most of the stuff but I always max out in the bench so I can put it on my Myspace when I get home. Today I got 155, but I totally could have got more, my shoulder was sore from throwing weighted balls in my bullpen yesterday. I don’t shower at school, that’s for homos. Besides I don’t want to intimidate any freshmen with the size of my massive D, which I’ve nicknamed my Gusaline Pump.

When I go home it’s straight to my Myspace to check and see if I have any new comments. I edit my pictures to make myself look even more like a badass. I know you thought that probably wasn’t possible. But I’ve totally called dibs on these three 7th graders that are going to be smoking hot in a couple of years. They’re practically begging for some Gusalina, but I still won’t put them in my top 32. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

After that I’ll jump back in my Camaro and do what any big leaguer would do – go to Taco Bell and buy a Baja F’ing Blast. I seriously drink like 9 medium Bajas a week, including refills. The total comes to like $1.47 but I give them $2 and tell them to keep the change. I don’t need any pennies in my pocket. Besides, those kids working at Taco Bell are poor, and I’ll be called up to the majors in 2 years, so yeah, I don’t think I need the change.

Once I finish my Baja I’ll throw in a fat dip and use the cup as a spitter. This older guy from my school buys me my citrus pouches, probably because he wants me to buy him a car or something when I sign my first $100mil contract. Figures. Everyone wants to get some Gusalina. There’s always these stupid freshman kids hanging around Taco Bell trying to act like they’re the biggest badasses around because they do BMX. I remind them that I had the fastest pitch over the summer at the Putnam County Fair. That usually knocks them down a peg or two. Besides, they wear Hollister sweatshirts with Abercrombie jeans. You never mix the two. Are you F’ing retarded?

Eventually it’s time to go home. I go in through the back porch so I don’t have to listen to my mom nag at me for not eating her stupid F’ing dinner. I swear, she’s such a bitch to me now but she’s going to be all lovey dovey when I’m a billionaire and in the Hall of Fame. I go up to my room, lock my door, and turn the channel to Cinemax. We don’t actually get it on our cable, so it’s scrambled but you can still see boobs. I put some pine tar on my bat if you know what I mean and then I fall asleep and dream about how I’m going to be the best player in America by the time I’m 21. I’m serious. My trainer used to work out with A-Rod and he said I’m even better at my age than he was, so yeah, I have that going for me.

You think you can do that? Think again. This has been Gusalina, and I’m the man.