Gusalina For Free

What’s up you little bitches? If you’re reading this, you already know who I am. My name is Gus “Gusalina” Trotter, and your probably saw a picture of me in the Ottoville Sports Extra. That was me strokin’ the long ball. I’m known to do two things in life – be the hardest hitting RF/LHP in Putnam County, OH and fly American flags. If you’re still wondering if I’ll sign an autograph for you, you are f’ing crazy. I know you’ll just turn around and sell it on eBay so you can afford Christmas presents for your whole poor family. That’s not the way Gusalina rolls. Since you want to be me right down to having your Spanish teach call you Senor Gus, here ARE the ways that I roll. Always imitated, never duplicated. You’ll never have my big league status.

My typical morning involves me rolling out of bed and bitching at my mom for not having my morning protein shake ready. She doesn’t have a job, so it shouldn’t be a big F’ing deal for to have my Cell Tech sitting on the kitchen counter when I come downstairs. Jesus Christ. She thinks that you get to be 170 pounds of muscle by accident or something.

After breakfast I head to school. I’m 16, so you know what that means. I drive a ’94 Camaro, and it’s the bitchinest ride in the whole school. I show up 20 minutes early every day so I can do donuts in the parking lot. The chicks f’ing love it.

My first period blows. I’m like totally naked without my iPod, so I have that shit with me at all times. I never take the headphones out of my ears. Ever. Seriously, the only thing stopping me from calling my science teacher a fat lesbo is 3 Doors Down. Instead of paying attention I like to put the hood up on my hooded sweatshirt and flirt with this girl in my class. She’s a year older, and I heard she F’ed this guy from Sugar Creek that she barely even knew. Before you know it this skank’s gonna be beggin for some Gusalina. If the teacher ever asks me what the answer is, I tell her my batting average.

At lunch time I sit at the coolest table. I have the most Myspace friends out of anyone in my grade, so a lot of people want to sit with me. The other guys at my table love it when I quote Dane Cook. He’s F’ing hilarious. The other day these douchenozzles tried to sit with us at the table and I gave them the SuperFinger (SuFi!) and told them that I was going to shit on their coats. I’m a badass.

Just before school gets out I have study hall. Yeah, right, like Gusalina needs to study. I totally watch Vin Diesel movies on my portable DVD player and don’t get in trouble for it. My older brother was on the same sectional runner up football team as my study hall teacher, so I can do whatever the F I want. That’s Ottoville Big Green pride, what you know about that?

My school day ends the same every day – pumping iron, getting cut up. I eat a protein bar because even though I’m made of Gusalina I still need fuel. After that I just take off my jeans and I’m ready to go. I wear my basketball shorts underneath my jeans. If you don’t, you must be some kind of a fag. The strength coach at this school is an F’ing idiot. He tries to get me to do squats. I told him I’d start doing squats when I swung the bat with my feet, and I gave him the SuFi. My workout is pretty simple – bench, incline, curls, triceps, wrist curls. I usually do sets of 5 or 7 in most of the stuff but I always max out in the bench so I can put it on my Myspace when I get home. Today I got 155, but I totally could have got more, my shoulder was sore from throwing weighted balls in my bullpen yesterday. I don’t shower at school, that’s for homos. Besides I don’t want to intimidate any freshmen with the size of my massive D, which I’ve nicknamed my Gusaline Pump.

When I go home it’s straight to my Myspace to check and see if I have any new comments. I edit my pictures to make myself look even more like a badass. I know you thought that probably wasn’t possible. But I’ve totally called dibs on these three 7th graders that are going to be smoking hot in a couple of years. They’re practically begging for some Gusalina, but I still won’t put them in my top 32. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

After that I’ll jump back in my Camaro and do what any big leaguer would do – go to Taco Bell and buy a Baja F’ing Blast. I seriously drink like 9 medium Bajas a week, including refills. The total comes to like $1.47 but I give them $2 and tell them to keep the change. I don’t need any pennies in my pocket. Besides, those kids working at Taco Bell are poor, and I’ll be called up to the majors in 2 years, so yeah, I don’t think I need the change.

Once I finish my Baja I’ll throw in a fat dip and use the cup as a spitter. This older guy from my school buys me my citrus pouches, probably because he wants me to buy him a car or something when I sign my first $100mil contract. Figures. Everyone wants to get some Gusalina. There’s always these stupid freshman kids hanging around Taco Bell trying to act like they’re the biggest badasses around because they do BMX. I remind them that I had the fastest pitch over the summer at the Putnam County Fair. That usually knocks them down a peg or two. Besides, they wear Hollister sweatshirts with Abercrombie jeans. You never mix the two. Are you F’ing retarded?

Eventually it’s time to go home. I go in through the back porch so I don’t have to listen to my mom nag at me for not eating her stupid F’ing dinner. I swear, she’s such a bitch to me now but she’s going to be all lovey dovey when I’m a billionaire and in the Hall of Fame. I go up to my room, lock my door, and turn the channel to Cinemax. We don’t actually get it on our cable, so it’s scrambled but you can still see boobs. I put some pine tar on my bat if you know what I mean and then I fall asleep and dream about how I’m going to be the best player in America by the time I’m 21. I’m serious. My trainer used to work out with A-Rod and he said I’m even better at my age than he was, so yeah, I have that going for me.

You think you can do that? Think again. This has been Gusalina, and I’m the man.