Santa Claus Couldn't Hit My Hammer

I need to start this blog by saying two things. First, thanks to all the honeys out there that added me on Myspace. Unfortunately, I only have 16 top spots on my friend list. If you want to be in my top 16, step your game up. I know you all have camera phones and bathroom mirrors, send Gusalina some pictures. Second, to the guys emailing me wanting to know how to get Gusalina fresh big league style, just give up the dream. I mean, you've read my blog, so you have to know that I'm the F'ing man and that you can't roll like me. You can't capture Gusalina's essence, but I guess you could try to equip yourself like Gusalina does.

I found some time out my day that I wasn't stuffing stockings (if you know what I mean) to write this blog about what I'm asking for for Christmas. Not all of this stuff is going to come from my parents. I have some equipment deals since everyone wants to try and catch a ride on my D train before I make it to the big league. They send me all sorts of stuff so I'll endorse their hamburger or something. News flash, I'm not going to do that, unless your hamburger is made out of Cell Tech.

So here we go. If you want to be like Gusalina, these are the things you're going to have to hope Santa Clause brings you.

• Does Cell Tech make HGH? If not they should. I'm totally getting some for Christmas. I'm going to use it now, but not when I make it to the big leagues. I'm not a cheater. I'm just trying to get up to 185 before the season starts. Then I'll be roped.
• I want a custom license plate cover that says "I drive a Camaro, so yeah, I'm a badass"
  
• A mother F'ing Rawlings Primo Glove. Not a regular cheap one, an F'ing custom one with flames on it. But in the flames are cursive letters that spell Gusalina #4. F'ing badass. They'll be calling me the next Eric Van Leemer. That's a Summer Catch reference you dillweeds. Mark my words, I will play in the Cape league and F Jessica Biel in the Press Box.
  
• An Ed Hardy shopping spree. I don't trust my mom to buy me any clothes because she dresses like a lesbian, so I just want her to give me like $1000 so I can get some F'ing sweet clothes.
  
• I'm getting 6 Phiten necklaces. Yeah F'ing 6. Straight from Japan. I'm talking like delivered on my doorstep from someone who still hates me because of World War II. Have you ever seen someone wearing 6 Phiten necklaces at once? Of course you fagn't. Then again, you haven't seen someone blast one 378feet to the opposite field and then come back five minutes later to strike out the side but that's what Gusalina does.
• I was reading Mark Titus's blog, and his friend was talking about his little sister wanting to do Mark. If she thinks that queer is cool she would probably try to drug Gusalina and marry him. Add me on Myspace sometime Ashley Keller and use that camera phone girl.
  
• I'm making the school buy me a Derek Jeter Hurricane batting machine. He's a big bitch but that machine is the F'ing bomb. Speaking of bombs, I'm going to hit about 3 a game this year, even when they try to intentionally walk me.
• I want Alex Rodriguez to add me on Myspace. Everybody tells I'm the next A-Rod only better looking and more of a beast on the diamond, so if I were him I would add me on Myspace to tell me good luck. Don't be a prick dude. Gusalina just does what comes natural to him.
  
• I'm also making the school buy a new F'ing radar gun. I swear to god that one we have is broken. Every time I pitch it has me coming in at like 83 but I know I'm sitting at least 92. WITH MOVEMENT. I can tell because we used it to clock my Camaro once and it had me at 95 when I was going at least 120. My Camaro can F'ing fly
• Cinemax. Come on mom, don't be a bitch about it. If you say we can't afford it, get a F'ing job so I can be happy on Christmas. You're my mom, you have to do it. When I get Skinemax (Name I made up for it, cuz of the porn! LMAO), I can watch all kinds of porno. I like it when it's a guy and a girl and not just two girls. I'm not gay or anything, the guys just have some sweet hairstyles and sideburns that I might want to copy.
  
• Not one, but two Air Exo bats. Gusalina doesn't swing anything that doesn't round up to 4 bills. I've got to keep the price of my bats within 50 points of my batting average.But why two? I need one for the game, and one for me to hold when people are taking my picture for magazines. What about practice? I use wood, duh.
  
• I want every stand up that Dane Cook has ever made. I'm going to start giving the SuFi to every batter that I strike out, so I want to have it perfect
  
• M-Frames (At least one pair), eye black (Not the F'ing strips), and wrist tape. Badass doesn't happen by accident.
• Taco Bell needs to send me like 100 2-liters of Baja F'ing Blast. I swear I would go through all of that in like 6 months, tops. I inhale Baja Blast so quick they might as well call it Gusalina's F'ing Oxygen.
  
• A wrist roller. I need something to do between classes to keep the chicks F'ing moist, and this way I'll be coming closer to having forearms as big as Josh Hamilton.
  
• A F'ing tattoo. Something Chinese because I'm spiritual and mysterious.

So there you have it. That's what I'm going to get for Christmas, and if you don't like it you can drink some Diesel Fuel from my Gusaline Pump. Be back in a few days to tell you how much better my Christmas was than yours, mostly because you're poor and I'm going pro.