Gusalina Strikes Again

What's up douchenozzles and Gusalina groupies? No, I didn't go pro early, and no, I didn't get thrown in jail for driving my Camaro way too F'ing fast, I've just been doing my Gusalina thing over break you know - adding some Frosty to some girls's snowmen, dropping my giant ball on New Years - F'ing stuff like that. I'd apologize for not blogging but you guys will still F'ing love me if I don't so I'm not going to.

I know most of you guys are poor and not big league like me, so I'd tell you what it's like to have a Christmas that's not sponsored by Fruit of the Loom. I woke up Christmas morning with a giant boner, so naturally I put some pine tar on my bat and laid down an F'ing bunt. Jesus doesn't care, he knows how much run I got on my 2 seam fastball. Then I put on my pimpest 59/50 Yankees flat-billed lid with my M frames on top of the cap, and I walked down the stairs. My gay ass mom wanted everyone to pray before we started opening presents, but God already blessed me with the ability to pump 93mph that moves more than a poor family who can't pay their rent. I'm not going to go on and on about how awesome my Christmas was, because you'd seriously think about killing yourself, but I'll tell you this - from all the things I said I was going to get in my last post, I still got more. And by more I mean F'ing NICKELBACK TICKETS. Suck on that one you douchers. It's okay to be jealous. It's not okay to tell people you are Gusalina.

I covered a lot of what I did for New Years on that toolbox Mark Titus's blog (Hey Titus, I know you F'ing read my blog looking for inspiration, send me my F'ing cards), so I'll just talk about what we did before we got to that queerbag Blake's house. At about 7 I had a fat dip in and I was sorting through all the F'ing Christmas cards that the teams that want to take me in the first round sent me. I got one from almost every team. It's cool though, the ones that didn't send me cards are owned by Jews. Anyways, right about then this doucher who graduated in 2005 named Zach called me up and told me he'd go buy me some alcohol if I wanted it. Of course I F'ing want it, I told him. He wanted to know what I wanted. Since I was planning on getting two Baja Blasts later that night (So I could stay up and catch a beat to all the scrambled skinamax porn), I told Zach he was a F'ing idiot, because the only thing that mixes with Baja Blast is F'ing Smirnoff. So yeah, I had Zach get me some Smirnoff. He dropped it off and then started mumbling some shit about going and how he wanted to workout with me, I don't know, I stopped listening to that homo as soon as he gave me my Smirnoff.

A lot of people have emailed me asking what I do be as good as I am in the offseason. So I give you F’ers some help and take you through my daily routine. I F’ing throw a bullpen EVERYDAY. I know no one in the big leagues does that, but they weren’t as good weren’t as good as me in high school so it doesn’t F’ing matter. My warm up is easy. Bicep curls, wrist roller, and tricep dips. Big biceps and roped tris are key to pumping the ched like I do. Every other day I throw my pens with a weighted ball, my superior strength allows me to throw max effort without injury. I throw at least 60 pitches every day, I throw each pitch ten times so you do the math, that’s 6 pitches. I know you f’ing tools will email me asking me what I throw so Ill save you the time by telling what seeds the Gusalina is chucking. Fastball (In the 90’s with hellacious movement), sinker, curveball, a rise ball (Yes its possible when you pump smoke), a big league splitter, and the terminator (Pitch I made up and can only be thrown by me so don’t even think about asking). And no, I don’t F’ing ice after I throw. You ice when you’re injured. Plus with global warming, ice may not even be around when I make it to the show.

Anyways, enough about how good I am, I get sick about talking about how good I am. Sike. But I went over to my computer to check my Myspace. I'd been messaging these girls about trying to get fueled up with some Gusalina for a true happy new year. They were completely down, so I posted a Myspace bulletin telling everyone to go to Alex's house, because everybody wants to hang out with me on New Years and I didn't want all those douchers coming to Blake's. Then I messaged those girls and told them what's up. I told one of them that I was going to show her my corked bat later that night. So yeah, I'm kind of smooth on Myspace. As I was walking out the door my mom shouted "Where do you think you are going?" to me and I yelled "First round!" back at her and gave her the SuFi. I don't want that loser knowing where I'm going and trying to call their parents or anything like that. I got in my Camaro, grabbed my Baja Blasts, and you know the rest. If you're wondering what happened with those two girls I was bringing back, I'm not going to tell you perverts, all I'm going to say is it's going to be a few days til my Gusaline pump gets refueled and their dads would definitely hate me if I wasn't big league like I am.

This is the point in my blog where I'd like to address this loser "Jordan" who commented on my last blog. He claims he's from Continental and that he's never heard of me. He even goes on to say that I must not be good. L O F'ing L, Jordan. Where does Gusalina even start? One, I don't care that you go to Continental, Continental F'ing blows. It sounds like your entire town is an F'ing hotel chain. Why have you never heard of me? Probably because I throw heat and hit home runs for varsity and you're in the F'ing marching band, trying to meet your future husband. And I must not be good? If I wasn't good, how would I be going first round? Answer that, if you haven't already hung yourself in your bedroom closet Queer-dan. As soon as Mark Titus sends me those cards, you are going to be my least favorite person on Planet F'ing Earth. If you're jealous of Gusalina, just let me know, and I won't take my fists that throw 90+ and beat your face in the next time I see you.

All this hater talk on Gusalina is just pumping up the Gusaline Machine. You know what happens when you do that - I set a new max in the bench press. So tomorrow, I'm going to get 165, maybe for a double, depends on if I do curls before or after I bench. I got 160 last week, I was totally going to go over 200 but I had been throwing heat before I started lifting. Seriously, Coach was all "Gusalina, throw under 90 man, and stop making it move so much" and I F'ing couldn't. I was literally on fire. I wasn't really on fire, but I pretty much was. As I walked away when I was done, I pulled the F'ing fire alarm, my heat was that good. That's how I F'ing roll.

Pumping ched on the black,
Gusalina #4