The Price of Gusalina is Rising - Fuel Up Now Ladies

92 F'ing miles an hour. First pitch.

That's how fast I threw when we were in the gym the other day. I know all you pansy douchers are probably saying "How do you know it was 92mph Gusalina? I like to kiss other men" to which I say we brought the radar baseball into the F'ing gym you moron and you are now not only a doucher but a gay doucher. I use my radar baseball every day, because scouts want to know how fast Gusalina is throwing and Gusalina is going first round. We set up the cage in the basketball gym while those toolbags were on the road getting their ass kicked by someone. Of course, nobody wanted Gusalina to throw to them because I'm not going to take it easy on some freshman just because I can throw 92% of 100 miles an hour and he still wets the bed. Well, I didn't really care because while these losers are trying to improve their hitting, I'm trying to practice pimping my strikeouts. Do you realize how many ways you can give the SuFi?

Anyways, white trash Kyle Pritchard steps up as the first batter and I could totally tell he didn't want a piece of Gusalina. I wasn't expecting to throw more than 91 on my first pitch, but looking back on it I was feeling pretty good. I woke up early this morning, which gave me more than enough time to hit a ground rule double to this Playboy I have hidden in my room, if you know what I mean. After that, I planted a fence post in some porcelin. Breakfast of champions right there. So I show up to school with about a million little Gusalinas stuck in a ball of Kleenex in my bathroom trashcan, and by the end of the day I was ready to rock and roll again. Since there weren't any 8th graders around looking to break into my Myspace top 16, I decided to do the next best thing - throw heat. So Kyle Pritchard is standing in there, and he's not even wearing batting gloves, probably because you can't buy those when you're on welfare. I'm thinking, "Pritchard you're poor already, you're going to hate your life after Gusalina strikes you out and gives you the SuFi." I didn't even look at where the loser freshman who was catching for me signaled for me to throw it, I had one thing on my mind - fastball. If he can't keep up with it, that's his problem.

I started my pitching motion (scouts say it's a cross between Sandy Koufax and K-Rod) and let loose. Let's just say this fastball had movement. How much movement? It started off going right down the middle, and ended up hitting Kyle Pritchard right in the F'ing chest. We clocked the pitch right before it broke Kyle's F'ing rib and the radar ball said 92 F'ing miles per hour. Someone told me that Kyle's family is so poor that they don't have insurance, and he wasn't going to be able to go to the doctor to see if his ribs are broken or if his liver exploded. I would have felt bad if I wasn't so F'ing stoked about that pitch.

But enough about throwing a moving 92mph fastball without even warming up when I'm 16 F'ing years old. You'll read a lot more about that in 2 years when I go in the first F'ing round. Let's talk about something much more important. I'm talking about my older brother, Wayne F'ing Trotter. Wayne was probably the best baseball player in Ottoville history before Gusalina picked up a glove. He was going to get drafted but he totally got F'ing screwed by Ottoville High School politics. Luckily for me Ottoville baseball is now a dictatorship, and it is run by Gusalini.

So I call up Wayne and tell him about making Kyle Pritchard spit up blood and he was all like "I don't F'ing care Gusalina." Man, I want to be him when I get older. He started talking about how he's souping up his Camaro. I don't know if I've said it before, but Wayne is the reason I got a Camaro. Let's just say when Wayne was in high school his Camaro was nicknamed the Cumaro, so yeah, I think getting a Camaro was a good choice. More on that later. Wayne also told me that he's banging like 3 different girls right now and he doesn't even F'ing care if they find out about each other. My brother is such an F'ing badass.

The day after I guaranteed myself first F'ing roundage by throwing the nastiest pitch of 2009, Gusalina did what makes him feel whole - he ended people's lives in intramural basketball. Since preparing for going first round means I can't play basketball for the team, it sure as shit doesn't mean I can't dominate the band geeks and fat kids of Ottoville every Tuesday and Thursday night. Our team is called the Baja Blasters but it might as well be called Gusalina and the Four Douchers who Make Gusalina want to Kill Himself Because They Are So Bad.

Honestly, first the school won't let me play point guard because I pass the ball too hard. Well yeah, that's 93 miles per hour for you douchers. It seems like the MLB likes that ability quite well. Shows you what Ottoville knows. Then, they make me sub out with my other teammates when I'm easily the best player in the entire school. I shouldn't have to come off the court. Then they have the nerve to let girls play in our league. It just pisses me off that I'm trying to play but I'm being guarded by some groupie who only joined because she wants Gusalina to show her his two-seam grip (if you know what I mean) in his Camaro while we listen to Creed's "With Arms Wide Open" after the game is over. That's what Myspace is for, dummy. Don't go vagging up my intramural league. We'll talk about this more later.

On to more important business. I comment on every Club Trillion post because that mangina Mark Titus promised me he would sign some cards for me and has yet to honor his end of the deal. Anyways, I like to check the comments after I post mine to see if he has apologized to me or said he put my cards in the mail. Of course that dicktickler didn't, but I couldn't help to see that some jealous doucher named "Gusalina Sucks" had written this:

I was hoping we could go one post with out the arrogant fuck gusalina posting on here. seriously you are the biggest fuck i have ever seen in my life. Bragging about picking on freshman that you think want to be just like you and making them buy you sun flower seeds? Wow you are so cool with your weak as fastball and your false hopes of goin pro. You need jesus

News flash you toolbox - I can pick on freshman because I'm going first round. And you must not know anything about sunflower seeds because if you did you wouldn't be talking crap about me making some loser freshman go get me jalapeno seeds when he F'ing screwed up in the first place. Gusalina needs Jesus? Yeah right bro, I throw 92mph with movement, my opponents need Jesus if they have any hope of even grounding out to first with the ball moving that fast.

As usual, the Gusalina haters just make me do one thing - bench press more. It really shouldn't come as a surprise but I did a double at 16o pounds on Friday. It was pretty F'ing awesome. I could have done 3, guaranteed, but I'm saving that for when the scouts come to watch me work out during season you dummies. People always tell me "Gusalina, you have the weight of this entire town on your shoulders" and I always tell them "It's a good thing I can shoulder press 95 for reps, now isn't it?" Stupid poor people. First round for sure.

Only throwing fastballs,
Gusalina #4